Avenues of Grief and Grace
“There are so many avenues of grief and grace that we travel while caring for a loved one. ”
My parents were always energetic and full of life. Even though my mother had her health struggles, she was so resilient. But as her health started deteriorating, and her mobility declined, she became less active. She started showing signs of dementia in her early 80s and gradually worsened. Dad was determined to keep her at home on their farm, even though I think she might have done better in assisted living. My sister, who lived nearby took on primary caregiving responsibilities. Our family would make the 5-hour drive to the farm every other month, taking turns with my other sister to assist.
The emotional toll of caregiving was far greater than the physical. Mom and I had sorted through some of our issues in the past. But dealing with guilt, anger, and my mother's stubbornness was challenging. She was quite a character: highly dependent on others, sassy yet cultured, sophisticated and well-read, but always looking for a way to take advantage of situations. This led to some really difficult moments. She was on medication, but refused therapy. Mom carried a lot of baggage that she never dealt with, and those feelings manifested through her behavior. My parents’ farm was our retreat, a place we loved. As mom's health declined, it began to feel more like I was confined to the house to care for her and deal with her outbursts. Despite my frustrations, I continued caring for her because I loved my mom and I knew that beneath her bluster she loved me deeply.
My father passed away in 2018 from viral meningitis, and my mother followed in 2020 while in a nursing home. This journey has taught me invaluable lessons. I'm determined to seek therapy and ensure my kids never feel burdened when my husband and I get older. We’ve taken proactive measures to prepare our family for our eventual old age, such as investing in long-term care insurance. While I sometimes feel a twinge of regret that my daughters missed out on so many experiences while caring for their grandparents, I also realize that this period helped my daughters grow and develop into who they are today. This has helped us have frank conversations as a family about how we envision our care in the future.
Caregiving refined my character, teaching me patience and kindness. There are so many avenues of grief and grace that we travel while caring for a loved one. One of my fondest memories was taking mom to Olive Garden for a family dinner and having to deal with a very messy bathroom mishap. We all burst into laughter in the restroom and helped her clean up with big smiles on our faces. Despite the challenges, there were so many sweet moments that I cherish, precious shared moments of tenderness and love. This journey has taught me to be kinder, to take a deep breath, and to be grateful for the smiles when they come, no matter how fleeting.