Finding Balance
“Granting ourselves grace as we navigate the complexities of caregiving is vital.”
Caregiving often requires us to prioritize the needs of others over our own, and finding a balance can be challenging. Our goal is to love others well, but we must also take care of ourselves and our families. We have to cope with the changing needs of our loved one while putting some of our own goals on the back burner.
When my children were young, I would question whether I was making the right choices for them. How many extracurricular activities should they participate in? How involved should they be in church, school, or household chores? Eventually, I realized that I had to consider what worked best for our family. I developed a formula that prioritized essential tasks and obligations. We also had a farm, so we lived by a schedule. But caregiving situations often arise suddenly, giving us little time to focus on the bigger picture. It’s like you’ve built an intricate tower of Jenga cubes and all of a sudden one piece is removed, causing your well-ordered life to fall apart. In emergencies, we might think, "I can get through this for six months; it's just a temporary situation." However, when it becomes a long-term commitment, everything is thrown off-kilter. And we have to adjust and find a new balance.
My mother-in-law suffered from so many mental and physical health issues. We initially tried caring for her at home, but couldn't cope with the round-the-clock assistance she needed due to her mental and physical decline. We tried hiring a caregiver to ease the burden, but she became so upset about them invading her personal space and refused to eat. It was so distressing to all of us, especially my father-in-law, to watch her deteriorate. We realized she needed to live in a different environment, where she could receive special care. Thankfully, we had planned ahead for this circumstance and had financial support in place, which facilitated a slow and difficult transition to a care home. We still manage her overall care, but she has adapted to the new situation and seems much happier.
Nobody wants to contemplate the prospect of being incapacitated or reliant on others for assistance. It's equally challenging to understand the responsibilities and difficulties that come with caring for another person. So the question of “Who will care for me when I can’t care for myself?” is too often ignored until the moment arises. Some people expect their children will be duty-bound to care for them in their old age, but this isn't always realistic. Especially considering that many individuals continue working well into their senior years.
From my own experiences, I've learned the importance of seeking help when needed and offering support to other caregivers. When my mother became a caregiver for her father, she didn’t know how to ask for assistance. She would take my grandfather along with her on all her errands because she feared leaving him alone at home. I remember him crying in the car because the bigger picture was not considered. I’m sure as a young mother my mom needed breaks. But as our parents age, and we get busy in our own lives, we can mistakenly assume that our parents can handle caregiving and will ask for help if needed. The truth is they often need help even if they don’t ask for it. That’s why it’s so important to lend a hand wherever we can.
Each caregiving journey is unique, encompassing various family dynamics and unknown variables. Flexibility is essential because not every day will go according to plan. Granting ourselves grace as we navigate the complexities of caregiving is vital.