Onward, Day by Day
“I have no time for hope. I just focus on the present moment and getting through each day.”
Ashwini, a 37 year old event planner in India, has seen the trajectory of her life impacted by the health struggles of her loved ones. She began her career modeling and acting in South Indian language films at the age of 10. Her mother accompanied her to all the film shoots. Over the years, the strain of long days at the studio and traveling to locations took its toll on her mother’s health. She developed severe arthritis and could no longer travel with her daughter. Ashwini decided to quit acting and, with her mother’s help, opened an event planning business and dance school.
While initially successful, having to juggle caring for her aging parents and running her business led to many financial difficulties. Ashwini’s mother suffered two heart attacks and had a kidney removed, while her father underwent an angioplasty.“There was so much stress in the home, because nobody was earning money and I had to take care of everyone.”
After getting married, “Life started again to a new color. We cleared all our loans and got back on track.” Ashwini and her husband worked together to build up the business again. They welcomed a son and a daughter and enjoyed a short-lived period of calm. But soon she found herself navigating another wave of family health crises, including the loss of her father and a sister. Her oldest sister worked in a demanding job, so the brunt of caregiving for her mother fell on Ashwini. “I made over 1400 trips to dialysis, spending hours in traffic and at the clinic. My husband and sister helped when they could, but I was my mom’s primary carer.”
The COVID-19 pandemic brought on new challenges, including the loss of Ashwini’s mother. “We had no events, no income and no safety net; we were under so much financial strain.” When the 3rd wave hit India, her daughter became severely ill. “My daughter, who’d been talking nonstop since she was 7 months old, changed completely after battling COVID. She stopped talking and nobody could tell us why she wouldn’t respond to her name or engage with us.” Eventually her daughter was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder.
When life seemed at its most challenging, Ashwini’s husband - a dancer and fitness trainer - had a major heart attack and was left with a weakened heart after surgery. He was advised not to resume his dancing career. Ashwini’s son began to show speech delays. “A doctor actually told me that if I stayed home for two years, the children would become ‘normal.’ But with my husband not working, I’m the only breadwinner. We need to eat.”
With great resilience and perseverance, Ashwini built up her business again after the pandemic. Yet her concern for her family overrides everything. “Life has started again. Money is okay now. But the kids need so much help, it’s so hard. I’m stressed and worried about who will take care of them if something happens to me. My husband doesn’t put out any effort. He’s been depressed since he stopped working and everything falls on me.”
Ashwini found a doctor who’s helped her daughter improve; she attends school but still requires expensive speech and occupational therapy. She works long hours, coming home late. “When I’m working I miss them but don’t have time to dwell on that. But when I’m home I get so low. They need my time and attention even though I’m so exhausted.”
She finds little time for reflection on all that’s happened. “I can’t even think about it. There’s no time to even think about it. Life is too mechanical. I can’t even take the kids out for fun or pleasure; it’s always about work, getting home at midnight or 2:00 am and then leaving in the morning by 5:30 am if I have an event. Maybe I can see them for an hour or two. But I just keep reminding myself I’m doing this for my children and my family. If one loses a finger, you manage with the others. I’m just getting through the day, one step at a time. I have no time for hope even. I just focus on the present moment and getting through each day."